I don't know whether to laugh or cry. While winding down for the night, I came across a rediffmail article on Bush's visit to India.

While American staff must be lauded for the perfect manner in which they handle the President's security, it has petrified those who will be involved in India.

I bet it has. If the President has a cold while he's swapping rugby jokes with ministers and senior bureaucrats, will we be the next Global Terrorists, the new Threats to World Security?

Staff at the Maurya Sheraton in New Delhi, where Bush will stay, are completely overawed. They are not allowed to speak with the media and do not even whisper about the possible schedule of Bush and his wife, Laura.

'They seek him here, they seek him there....' Bush the phantom wraith slipping into and out of five-star hotels like a ghost....Bush as Clark Kent who has a Secret (who has a WMD)...watch out, you never know...he might be standing behind you. BOO! There, scared you, didn't I?

An unconfirmed report claims that American security officials wanted to handle Air Traffic Control themselves when Air Force One, the Presidential aircraft, arrives in New Delhi. Indian engineers, they've been told, are capable of handling the situation but it would not be surprising if American officials are allowed to be around.

No? Seriously? It would not be surprising? Go on, then, surprise me, do. And Jai Mata Di, while we're about it. Brave, patriotic Indian engineers, risking their all to prove the nation's collective manhood...we can handle our own Air Traffic Control ourselves, thank you very much! Huh! Who do these Americans think they are?? Remember the National Movement....jokes apart, though, it is brave, isn't it? Suppose Dubya trips on the red carpet? Jobs for the chop then, boys, surely? (It reminds me, not entirely coincidentally, of the red carpet that the Germans try to roll out for Mussolini in The Great Dictator).

Weapons, gadgets, helicopters and personnel are accompanying Tarzan as he swings from tree to tree in New Delhi. It is being said that 700 Indian and American policemen will cordon off the route from the airport to Maurya Sheraton.

Indeed. What fun. Santa Bush is coming to town...and not just Bush, but a vast, expanding mobile foliage too. With the best weapons discreet arms deals can make.

It all makes me a little sad. Visiting English cricketers used to get stomach flu when they came here, and whinged about it no end. Hell, even I got stomach flu, once in a while. Couldn't something like that be gently arranged? We are a hospitable people, it's often said, isn't it? It wouldn't end the War on The World's Biggest Abstract Noun, but it might, just might, weaken Bush's famous Resolve for a moment. Think about it....the President's Resolve has Loose Motions!

It does no harm to fantasize. Just a bit. Couldn't they cook him something spicy at the Maurya Sheraton?

Chefs of the Maurya, unite! The balance of the world hangs in your hands!